Alphabet Soup Week 11: Artists Filed Under F

Another selection of ten tasty tracks and an essay on my road to freedom from fear.

Happy Wednesday everyone and welcome to week 11 of Alphabet Soup! A special welcome to anybody who subscribed over the last week - I’m excited to have you here!

If you tuned in last week, you may recall that I made a commitment to begin reducing the length of this weekly newsletter as it had started to become a little long and unwieldy. As I began writing this installment, I took care to be parsimonious with my words while writing the little blurbs for each of the tracks in this week’s playlist. I was quite proud to discover that I’d managed to reach a reasonable reading time of seven minutes prior to finding a motivational topic to close out the week. “Surely I’ll come in below ten minutes this week!” I thought. What I didn’t realize was that I was about to write a 2,000 word essay on finding freedom from fear. But that’s where the writing took me. And so that’s where I went…

So if you’re here solely for the music, I hope you enjoy the tracks I’ve selected this week and please feel free to stop when you get to the “Life in the key of” section. If you’re also here for the “personal stuff”, then grab your favorite hot or cold beverage and settle in for a bit of a longer ride.

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ALPHABET SOUP WEEK 11: Artists Filed Under F

This week’s selections:

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ARTIST: Frank Sinatra

TRACK: "In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning" from In The Wee Small Hours (1955)

Considered by many to be one of the best jazz vocal releases of all time, Frank Sinatra’s In The Wee Small Hours, his third consecutive release with composer and arranger Nelson Riddle, was released to critical acclaim in 1955. The album, which peaked at number 2 on the Billboard 200 chart, staying there for 18 weeks, is often referred to as the first concept album. Coming on the heels of his break-up with Ava Gardner, Sinatra imbues this collection of songs with a sense of sadness, longing and loneliness, maintaining the melancholic theme through the entire album.

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ARTIST: Fiona Apple

TRACK: "Criminal" from Tidal (1996)

Listening to Tidal, Fiona Apple’s stunning debut album, it’s hard to believe she was only 18 when it was released. I remember being absolutely in love with this album when it came out; it quite possibly would have been a top ten AOTY for me if I’d been compiling such lists back then. In researching the song, I was surprised to discover that Criminal was the third single from the album as I’d always assumed it to be the lead single (Shadowboxer holds that distinction).

In 2020 Apple released the critically acclaimed Fetch the Bolt Cutters, which received an overall score of 93% on the review aggregation site AOTY.org. Astoundingly (to me at least), of the 33 sites that rated the album, 14 gave it a 100% score with another 10 sites rating it between 90% and 96%.

Every year there are a handful of “critical darling” albums which I just don’t connect with; usually that small list is dominated by genres that I simply don’t enjoy. But the Fiona Apple album was an aberration - an artist I’ve thoroughly enjoyed over the years producing an album that I found horrible. No matter how many efforts I’ve made to connect with the album, to this day I still just don’t get the hype.

Beauty in the eye of the beholder comes to mind…

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ARTIST: Fleetwood Mac

TRACK: "Gold Dust Woman" from Rumours (1977)

Widely considered to be one of the best albums of all time (most lists have it firmly within the top 25), Fleetwood Mac’s masterpiece Rumours was released in 1977 to widespread critical acclaim. It was their second consecutive number 1 album, following on the heels of their 1975 eponymous release, and managed to top the Billboard 200 chart for a total of 31 weeks.

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As you make your way through this week’s playlist, I’d love to hear your thoughts. Do any of these tracks really stand out for you? What do you like? What don’t you like?

Please click the button below to leave a comment.

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ARTIST: Five For Fighting

TRACK: "Day By Day" from Message For Albert (1997)

Five For Fighting, the one-man band of John Ondrasik, is perhaps best known for the 2001 single Superman (It’s Not Easy) which peaked at #14 on the Billboard Hot 100. My intro to the band came courtesy of the April 1997 installment of CMJ New Music Monthly, which included Bella’s Birthday Cake from Ondrasik’s debut album Message For Albert, the only Five For Fighting album I ever owned.

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ARTIST: Frente!

TRACK: "Labour Of Love" from Marvin The Album (1992)

Frente! is yet another artist discovered via the compilation sampler that was paired with each monthly installment of the musical bible that was CMJ. In this instance, it was the August 1994 issue that brought the band to my attention in the form of the track Ordinary Angel from the band’s debut album Marvin the Album.

The album was originally issued in the band’s home country of Australia in 1992, only receiving an international release in 1994. Labour of Love, which appeared on the eponymous EP released in 1993, was never released as a single but remains the standout track for me.

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ARTIST: Finley Quaye

TRACK: "Sunday Shining" from Maverick A Strike (1997)

The first of Finley Quaye’s seven studio releases, Maverick A Strike was by far his most successful album, reaching number 3 on the UK albums chart. Sampling from and drawing on Bob Marley’s Sun Is Shining, Quaye’s Sunday Shining is more upbeat and quite different than the remaining tracks on the album, which for the most part lean heavily on roots reggae, dub and trip hop elements. This debut effort garnered Quaye the 1998 Brit Award for Best British Male Solo Artist, with the album eventually reaching double platinum certification.

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ARTIST: Faunts

TRACK: "Out on a Limb" from Feel.Love.Thinking.Of (2009)

Would it even be a real installment of Alphabet Soup without a Canadian artist? The first of two Canadian bands arrives with the Faunts’ track Out on a Limb from their second album 2009’s Feel.Love.Thinking.Of.

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ARTIST: The Fixx

TRACK: "Secret Separation" from Greatest Hits – One Thing Leads to Another (1989)

I’ve spoken about growing up in Bermuda in the mid 1980s, a time when, for a short period, there were no TV stations and no movie theatres. Legend has it that during that period, Phase One, the main video rental outlet on the island, managed to compile one of the largest VHS catalogs in the world. Urban legend perhaps, but it wouldn’t surprise me if it were true.

A classmate of mine whose family had a satellite dish was able to record a handful of music videos, which he let me borrow for the weekend (yeah only for the weekend!). This was like striking gold to a music-starved 14-year-old! Oddly, I only remember three music videos from the bunch: I Can’t Wait by Nu Shooz, I Wanna Be A Cowboy by Boys Don’t Cry, and this track, Secret Separation by The Fixx. I was absolutely entranced by the song have always loved that double synth tap you hear for the first time as Cy Curnan starts singing “you touched my heart so deeply”.

This may well be one of my top 50 songs of the decade.

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ARTIST: Finger Eleven

TRACK: "Walking In My Shoes" from The Greyest Of Blue Skies (2000)

Way back in week 7 of Alphabet Soup, when I included Depeche Mode’s Stripped on the weekly playlist, I sang the praises of Rammstein’s cover of the song, naming it my second-favorite DM cover. And now here’s my favorite - Finger Eleven’s cover of Walking In My Shoes from The Greyest of Blue Skies, their second album under this moniker (they released a single album as Rainbow Butt Monkeys).

The band really grabs a hold of this song, infusing it with a slow but heavy and crunchy rock edge, and truly makes it their own. For me the original doesn’t hold a candle to this incarnation, and I’d go as far as saying this is my favorite version of the song, period.

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ARTIST: Filter

TRACK: "Hey Man, Nice Shot" from Short Bus (1995)

Closing out this week’s playlist with Hey Man, Nice Shot, the lead single from Filter’s debut album Short Bus, released in 1995 on Reprise Records. A near-perfect example of that popular 90s musical device, the quiet verse / hard chorus, I love the slow and quiet build-up of each verse leading to the increasingly harder chorus. By the time we reach the end of the track, the song is rocking. Hard.

How on earth did we get from Frank Sinatra to Filter!? Well we did! And because of my incredibly smooth musical transitions, I bet you never saw it coming! You’re welcome.

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Life in the key of F: Freedom from Fear

In October 2018 I lost my mom to lung cancer after a valiant but blessedly short fight. During this period, I leaned very heavily on my daily spiritual practices and deepened my commitment to my recovery program, both in terms of increased meeting attendance and almost constant contact with my sponsor. Despite these efforts, I found myself struggling emotionally and sought professional help through my company’s Employee Assistance Program.

Looking back on that decision, the notion that “coincidence is God’s desire to remain anonymous” has never felt more true as, upon arrival, at my session I discovered that my assigned counselor had himself lost a parent to cancer. During our session he was able to impart some incredible advice which I hold as one of the most indispensable and priceless gifts I’ve ever received. He shared with me that many people with a terminal illness feel a guilt about leaving their loved ones behind and he provided some targeted advice for a very specific conversation I might want to consider having with my mom.

The following evening, which I spent keeping Mom company while Pops was at his weekly choir practice, provided the perfect opportunity. I looked deeply into my mom’s eyes and shared with her how grateful I was to have her as a mom and how much I had always appreciated her love and support, particularly in my darker days as I struggled to get clean and sober. Most importantly, I told her that whenever she was ready to go it was okay. While we would, of course, miss her, I reassured her that all of us - myself, my sister, and my dad - would take care of each other. “So don’t hold on for us Mom, when you’re ready, it’s okay”. I’ll never forget the relief that came into her eyes. It was clear she had been harboring this fear and guilt, and just as clear that she appreciated the opportunity to gracefully surrender whenever the time came, safe in the knowledge that we would be okay. Two days later she went into hospice care, and two days after that she passed away.

I’ll be forever grateful for the incredible gift bestowed upon me by this counselor, drawn from his own experience and from that of others who have had to say goodbye to a loved one.

At one of my 12 step meetings several days after her death, I shared the nature of my conversation with my mom, and the powerful impact it had on both her and me. I shared my gratitude about being to be able to let my mom know how much she meant to me. And I stated confidently, and without fear of contradiction, that there was nothing left unsaid between me and anyone else in my life, both those in the present and those from my past. In relation to any amends that were owed to people I’d previously harmed in some way, I asserted that I’d fully addressed all of my prior misdeeds, and that my side of the street was clean.

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What does this have to do with fear? And freedom from fear? We’ll get there…

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During the days and weeks following that meeting, I reflected further on my words and finally, painfully, admitted to myself that I hadn’t been completely honest. While it was true that I had done an awful lot of work over the years to make my required amends, there was one glaring debit in my life’s ledger that I hadn’t addressed. It related to my treatment of a woman I’d dated for two years during my college years. While there was no physical mistreatment, there was deception, dishonesty, infidelity, and outright gaslighting as I failed to even acknowledge let alone take responsibility for any of my actions.

Back in the late 90s, when I first began compiling the list of people I’d harmed, Jean (name changed) had certainly been near the very top of the list. But by that time, I had graduated and was living and working back in Bermuda, Jean was presumably somewhere in Canada, and I had no way to contact her. I put her name aside and began diligently working my way through my list of remaining amends. Over time, my thoughts of Jean, and the harms done to her, slowly sank further and further into the dark depths of my unconscious mind. But over the course of one week in October 2018, awakened by the hubris of my own words and the resulting self-reflection, the implications of my unaddressed actions rocketed to the surface, demanding acknowledgment and expiation.

It was now late 2018 and Jean and I had been connected on social media for close to a decade. Outside of fear or simple intransigence, there really was no longer a valid reason for me not to try to make things right. I shared with my sponsor that I was ready to, no I NEEDED TO, make an amends to this woman and asked for his advice on how I could make this a reality. And wouldn’t you know it? The Universe rolled out the red carpet and provided the perfect opportunity to make this important amends. Call it what you want - serendipity, coincidence, “God’s desire to remain anonymous” - in January 2019, less than three months after my proclamation that there was nothing left unsaid between me and anyone else in my life, I found myself scheduled to attend a conference in Orlando. Jean, who would soon be relocating to her native Canada with her family, lived but a short drive away from the conference hotel.

Following my sponsor’s advice, I reached out to Jean prior to my trip to Orlando, explained my desire to meet with her to apologize for my actions, and asked if she was willing to meet for lunch. She was adamant that “no apologies were necessary, we were young and probably both have things to apologize for,” but she agreed to meet for a meal. While I can’t remember my exact words, the amends were quite simple, along the lines of “Look, I treated you poorly back then, you deserved much more from me and I’m sorry.” She graciously accepted my amends, and we spent the next hour enjoying a meal and catching up on each other’s lives before going our separate ways.

I’d never anticipated the magnitude of the weight that would be lifted from righting these 30 year old wrongs. The feeling of liberation was almost overwhelming, and I called my sponsor back in Bermuda from the lobby of the conference hotel to thank him for his support, my eyes brimming with tears of gratitude.

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Trust me, we’re almost there, the link to the freedom from fear is coming!

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Fast forward to the summer of 2020. One Sunday evening in August, while making a coffee and getting ready to settle down for a movie, I felt a pressure in my chest. I wouldn’t call it pain, but there was definitely some sort of weight. Something was going on. I almost ignored it. I’d had a great but busy weekend and I just wanted to kick back and enjoy some mindless entertainment. But I quickly put on my risk management hat and played out some of the scenarios. If I ended up spending a few hours at the hospital and being released after some diagnostic tests, it might “mess up my evening”. But if it were something serious, I’d only know by heading to the hospital. So I told my wife what was going on and she hopped on the back of my moped as we headed off to the Emergency Department.

Given the symptoms I was reporting, the triage was rapid and, as the hospital was still at the height of Covid protocols, my wife could only look on helplessly as I was whisked away for testing. After the second of two ECGs, which had shown changes since the initial test taken upon arrival, I was advised by the doctor on call that I was being admitted for observation and further testing. Nobody seemed able or willing to tell me what was going on other than the fact that I’d be put on blood thinners and would be spending the night. By this point, with my phone’s battery at 5% (I hadn’t thought to bring a charger), I called Tina with the update that I was being held overnight for observation. With no prospect of getting my phone charged any time soon, I told her I’d call her as and when I had an update.

At 2 am the update came - acute coronary syndrome, which, upon further research, really didn’t tell me much (“…a range of conditions related to sudden, reduced blood flow to the heart. These conditions include a heart attack and unstable angina”). Long story short, I may have already experienced a heart attack (but maybe not) and I might be at risk of a(nother) heart attack (but if it happened, I was in the right place). I phoned Tina to share the concerning but murky news and after a short conversation dominated by heartfelt expressions of how much we loved each other, we said goodnight. I felt powerless, and my heart was breaking, to hear the fear and desperation in her voice as I rang off, powering my phone down to preserve the battery, which was now at 2%.

I don’t believe I’ve ever felt as alone as I did in that instant. But then I began talking to God, the “higher power” I came to believe in during the earliest days of learning how to work my 12 step program. As I lay there, an IV in my forearm, cables snaking out from the electrodes affixed to my body, accompanied by the incessant beeping of the monitoring equipment to which I was connected, I felt the presence of God. Facing the prospect of closing my eyes for the evening and the possibility (however limited) of never opening them again, I discovered that I was at peace. I was not afraid to die. There truly was nothing left unsaid to anyone who had played an important part in my life. Everyone I loved knew that I loved them, because I showed them all the time and I told them regularly. I’d spent the last twenty-five years building a life of which I could be proud. If it was my time, I was ready.

Three days later I was released with a prescription for statins, advice to take a baby aspirin daily, and a diagnosis of unstable angina. Over the next couple months I’d undergo more tests, each bringing a slight shift in opinion and a change in diagnostic direction. The cat angiogram scheduled for November would be the clearest indicator yet of whether there was any sort of cardiac blockage to deal with. If not, they’d feed all my diagnostic data into their cardiac risk algorithm to generate my 10-year cardiovascular risk analysis and accompanying treatment protocol.

On Thursday January 21, 2021 I received a call from the cardiac specialist with news that he was pleased and excited to share: there were no blockages and my ASCVD risk score was 1.5%, placing me at the lowest end of the low risk category and about as close as you can get to zero. I was advised to stop the statin, stop the baby aspirin, and continue living my life. I’ve had no issues since.

After experiencing the loss of my mom, the most devastating loss I’d encountered to that point; after making a long overdue amends and closing the ledger on that period of my life; and after explicitly confronting my own mortality, today I find myself free from fear. This doesn’t mean I never feel any sort of trepidation. It doesn’t mean I never follow my imagination down rabbit holes of internal storylines that can lead to fantastical and worrisome conclusions that will likely never occur.

What it does mean is that I’ve found a faith that can vanquish fear, an enduring source of knowledge and understanding that nothing is permanent, that this, too, shall pass. It’s a superpower available to me at any time as long as I can manage to separate myself from my ego long enough to admit that I am not in charge and that everything will be alright in the end. If something’s not “alright”, then it’s either not “the end”, or I simply haven’t yet found the acceptance that the situation is exactly how it’s meant to be at that point (regardless of whether I like it or not).

The topic of freedom from fear seemed like something on which I could throw together a few words of wisdom. I had no idea how deep this entry would end up going, and so if you’ve made it this far, I thank you.

Until next time, please know that whatever is going on in your life, “you got this!”

Peace…

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Here’s the running playlist which will be updated on a weekly basis as each new installment is published.

Tracks missing from the Spotify playlist:

• Allegory by Murray Attaway (Week 02)

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Thank you for reading Joy in the Journey, I appreciate you being here! If there’s someone in your life you think may enjoy this post, feel free to share it.